Forever And Always
by sonovabitchwinchester
Summary: James has been hiding this secret for too long, when he finally declares his love for Kendall, how will he react?
1. Chapter 1

James likes Kendall. No, James loves Kendall.

But right now he isn`t very fond of him, which is weird because James rarely gets mad at Kendall.

Everyone knows that, so when the Palm Woods stars catch the sight of a fuming James running away from a concerned Kendall, they can`t help but stare in shock.

James runs to the door of their apartment: the 2J. Confusion, anger and hurt written all over his pretty face. He`s running for the bathroom when something catches his arms, looking down he sees that it`s Kendall`s hand that`s stopping him.

"James…" Kendall says, trying to catch his breath

"What?" James asks annoyed, yanking his arm away from Kendall`s grasp

"James, what the fuck happened back there? Why did you suddenly took of running like that?" the blonde asked, not quite knowing whether to be angry or concerned at his tall friend.

"You should know why, Kendall!" the pretty boy snapped at his confused friend.

"What do you mean by that?" Ok, now James was confusing Kendall. What was he supposed to know?

"Nothing, just forget I ever said that" James mumbled avoiding Kendall`s concerned gaze.

"No, James. Tell me" He was starting to get worried. What was so important that he couldn`t even tell his best friend?

"Just drop it, Kendall" James said frustrated.

Kendall reached out his hand to touch James`s shoulder in a comforting way.

"James, whatever it is, you know can trust me" He looked up to meet James`s gaze, his heart wrenched at the sight of the pretty boy`s eyes filling with tears. "What should I know James?" he asked in a soft tone.

"That I`m in love with you" James thought bitterly, now if only it was that easy to say it out loud. "It`s nothing, Kendall" James said, hoping Kendall would just drop it.

But of course being Kendall, he was stubborn and wasn`t about to back down.

"It`s obviously something if it`s bothering you that much, so just tell me!" He was getting a little frustrated now at James.

"Kendall, seriously leave it alone" James said walking away.

Kendall was having trouble trying to figure things out. What made James so mad back at the pool? They were only hanging out with Logan, Carlos and Jo, he leaned in to kiss Jo and when he turned around, James was gone.

Was it something he said? No it couldn`t been that. He hadn`t said anything to James all day and at the pool he was too busy kissing Jo.

Wait… he saw James running off while he was kissing Jo.

He let out a shaky breath as a sudden possible realization hit him.

"James…Do you" he gulped. "Do you have a crush on Jo?" he asked, not wanting to know the answer to his question.

James froze and stopped walking mid-track.

Did Kendall seriously think that? So all those times flirting with Kendall had been in vain? The boy seriously was clueless. And now for him to think that he liked his girlfriend?

And just like that James Diamond finally snapped.

"God, Kendall, you`re so stupid! You seem to be the only one who doesn`t have a clue of what my problem is! Seriously, I think that even Logan and Carlos know hell even Jo! I wouldn`t be surprised if the whole Palm Woods residents knew. But for some reason you`re the only one who doesn`t see it!"

"See what?"Kendall yelled back, shocked at his friend`s little speech.

"That I`m in love with you!" James screamed.

His eyes went wide and he put a hand over his mouth realizing what he just did.

Kendal visibly paled and his eyes went wide.

"You…you what?" Never in his life had the blonde been this confused. James had romantic feelings for him? He…he loved him?

Then it hit him, all those times he and James were alone, they always seemed to be flirting. At first it was weird, but Kendall thought it was like James to flirt with anything that had two legs, so he started flirting back, in a joking way; he was joking, but apparently James wasn`t

Damn! How could he be so stupid? Everyone else seemed to notice, at least, according to James, except him.

He felt a strong wave of guilt washing over him; he knew what he had to do: break James`s heart, break his best friend`s heart.

"James…" Kendall said, his voice laced with sorrow, his eyes sad and pleading for James to understand him, understand that he had to do this.

"Yeah, I know…" The pretty boy said sadly with tears running down his cheeks.

After a long moment of silence, neither of the boys knowing how to take the news, James spoke up.

"So…I guess this is what it feels to be rejected, huh?" James gave Kendall a watery smile that turned out more like a grimace.

"I do love you James! … But not the same way you… love me" Kendall said, not wanting James to feel rejected or hurt by his lack of romantic feelings for the pretty boy.

He meant it, he really loved James.

Everybody knew that four members of B.T.R. had a very strong friendship, a bond that no one could break; they often called themselves brothers because it just felt right, they were brothers.

But only a few selected knew that it hadn`t been always the four of them, their friendship actually started with only two boys.

*FLASHBACK*

Five-year-old Kendall sat and began coloring his "Spiderman Color Me" book, while humming "This little light of mine" a song that his mother sang to him every night before sleeping.

Today was the first day of school, every little kid was excited and happy to start school, make new friends, learn more, and of course, every little kid`s must: play with dirt.

Everyone, except one James Diamond.

"Mommy, please don`t make me go!" five-year-old James screamed while kicking at the air as his teacher tried to get him out of the car.

Brooke Diamond barely even glanced at her son, while fixing her make up. With one wave of hand he told his teacher to get him out, because she was getting late for work. Finally after ten long minutes of screaming and crying, James let go of the car seeing that his mother was getting angry. James went inside the classroom as he looked around; he wondered if he could make friends with someone here.

No such luck.

After talking to almost every kid in the classroom, nobody seemed to want to be his friend; feeling sad and upset he made his way to the back of the classroom to color.

He grabbed a random book, took his 100 crayon box out and began coloring, when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder, he turned around to see a mop of dirty blonde hair.

"Can I borrow your red crayon?" asked the strange little boy with bushy eyebrows and green bright eyes.

"Yeah…" James mumbled, handing the boy his red crayon.

"Thank you" the strange little boy gladly took it and went back to color Spiderman`s costume.

After 20 good minutes of coloring and playing around, the teacher announced that it was time for recess.

Kids ran out excited chatting with their new friends, with their lunch in their hands to the yard.

James sat far in the corner, so no one could see that he was alone and friendless.

He started to think. Why didn't anyone wanted to be friend with him? What was so bad about him? He didn't wanted to be a loner, he wanted friends, just like every other little kid, but no one wanted him.

Maybe his dad was right after all. Maybe he was just a burden to everybody else that couldn`t be liked by anyone; after all he and his mother told him that all the time, and his mommy and daddy would never lie to him, right?

Tears started to swell up in his eyes thinking that he was useless, and worthless, and many other words that five year old boys weren`t supposed to know, but James had to listen to those words every day of his life.

James started to cry silently, his little body shaking with sobs. He felt eyes on his back, turning around he met with the green-eyed boy from earlier watching him confused and somewhat sad.

"Are you okay? Why are you crying? Are you sad?" the blonde boy asked with a frown. He didn`t like to see people sad, much less a boy that seemed so pretty and sweet.

"I`m fine" the pretty hazel-eyed boy said sniffling.

The bushy eye-browed boy looked at his puffy red eyes worried.

"You were crying, that`s not good. Do you want me to go get the teacher?"

"No!" James screamed causing the other boy to jump slightly startled. "Please, don`t" James whispered, not wanting to scare the other boy away.

"Ok. But I`m staying right here"

James blinked surprised that the blonde boy wanted to spend his time with him.

"I`m Kendall" The blonde said snapping James out of his troubled thoughts.

Kendall… James smiled, he liked that name, he liked the boy, but he didn`t want to get so close to him, he didn`t know what made him have the sudden change of thought, 5 minutes ago he would`ve jumped at any chance of having a friend, but the memory of his parents made him remember: everybody will always leave him.

"I`m James" he said, avoiding Kendall`s excited gaze.

"So, erm, James do you…?" But before Kendall could finish his sentence, a loud bell rang signaling that recess was over.

"I have to go" James said jumping out of the floor.

"-want to be my friend…" Kendall whispered sadly.

Kendall kept and eye on James since recess, he knew he should be learning, or whatever the other little kids were doing, but he was worried about James, and besides all the classes were boring anyways.

He kept watching James like a hawk until gym rolled around. Gym was by far Kendall`s favorite class, he loved running, and playing, especially hockey, but unfortunately for Kendall, today they were playing basketball.

All the little kids started changing into their gym clothes, all except for a tiny little boy who was looking around scared out of his mind. Kendall watched the little kid with confusion, until he noticed that the tiny kid was no other than James.

Kendall wasted no time and ran to the direction of James, when he got there, out of breath, he asked him.

"Why aren`t you changing to your gym clothes?" Kendall paused before each word.

James looked at him for a minute, as if deciding whether he should tell Kendall or not. "I don`t want to" it was barely a whisper, but it was loud enough for Kendall to hear.

"Why not? Don`t you wanna play?" Kendall was confused. Why didn`t James wanted to play? Every other little kid seemed to love gym. Bad thing James wasn`t like every other little kid.

James`s eyes started to water. "I have big bad bruises on my arms and legs, I don`t want everyone to see them…" James felt ashamed, he just told Kendall part of his biggest secret, he barely even knew the kid, Kendall was probably gonna laugh at him now, after…

Kendall wasted no time and hugged James tightly, feeling tears blurring his eyes.

To say James was shocked would be an understanding, but James felt himself returning the hug and started crying with Kendall.

That day James told Kendall all about his parents and how they abused him, Kendall was shocked and wanted to tell an adult so James wouldn't have to stay with them anymore but James begged him not to tell, and with those pretty hazel eyes begging, Kendall had no option but to say yes, but not before he promised James he would do anything he could do to protect him, as they hugged one last time again, a promise in the air hung, a promise to protect each other forever and ever.

*End of flashback*


	2. Chapter 2

Kendall snapped out of his thoughts as he heard a voice talking to him. It sounded like Logan. Wait…Logan? What was he doing here? And where was James?

"KENDALL!" Logan tried again to snap his blonde friend out of his thoughts; this was starting to get frustrating. Honestly he had no idea what the hell just happened a minute ago. He just came home for his phone when he found James sobbing non-stop and Kendall dazed in some kind of trance, he tried to console James for whatever it was he was crying for, but as soon as he touched him James flew out of the room, and then there was Kendall who apparently was lost in wonderland.

"What? Logan? What are you doing here? Where`s James? Logan he told me… I-I need to-"

"Whoa, easy there buddy, don`t go too fast" Logan cut Kendall off.

Kendall looked around the room worried, where the hell was James? He didn`t even noticed James was gone; maybe he should really stop daydreaming.

"Logan you don`t get it, I have to go find James" Kendall went for the door, when a hand grabbed his wrist stopping him.

"Oh no, you`re not going anywhere until you explain to me what the hell just happened between you and James" Logan said in a deathly calm voice, he had no reasons to think Kendall had done something to James, but…he had never seen James cry like that in his life. In fact he had never seen James cry, period. Kendall and James were best friends after all, they wouldn`t hurt each other. But what did Kendall did then to make James break like that?

Kendall couldn`t tell Logan what just happened. Logan wouldn`t understand, he didn`t understand it himself, and he didn`t know if James was ready for Logan and Carlos to know his secret. He couldn`t tell, it wasn`t his place to tell.

"Logan, I swear I`ll explain everything later, but right now I need to find James" There was distress, frustration and…hurt in Kendall`s voice, Logan was worried, he had never heard his friend like this. Should he let Kendall go without any explanation?

Logan sighed.

"Go find him Kendall and whatever is going down between you two, fix it, cause James looked really hurt" Kendall felt his heart break a little bit more at those words. His best friend was hurt because of him.

"I will"

And with that Kendall flew out of the room.

He was running; that`s all he knew

He was running so fast, pushing people out of his way not bothering to apologize; he didn`t cared anymore, he just didn`t

He just told the Kendall that he loved him. He just confessed his biggest secret to Kendall Knight. He told Kendall he loved him; and he had been rejected.

Even though the chances of Kendall loving him back were one in a million he still was hopeful, he thought that maybe, just maybe Kendall secretly loved him too, and dating Jo was just a cover so no one would knew his secret, but he was wrong. Kendall didn`t loved him, he would never love him; and if his heart was already broken well, that thought made it shatter into million pieces.

Kendall must feel disgusted by him; Kendall must hate him right now.

And with that thought on mind, here he was, a broken boy sitting on a tree with a small silver object on his hand: his escape.

His razor.

"Am I really going to go through this again?" James quietly wondered aloud, he swore a long time ago he was done with this.

When James was 12 he got bullied at school, a lot. His grades weren`t the best and his parents were never there to support him or console him in the night after he had nightmares about his bullies, they were always on some kind of business trip and when they were home the only thing they did was yell at James and push him into getting better grades, into being perfect, one day he couldn`t take it anymore and that day he made the first cut.

He felt…relieved, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, so he continued doing it, sometimes twice a week, but it soon became an addiction, he couldn`t go one day without cutting at least once, but it was okay, really because he never tried to take his own life, he just took the pain away, people who had problems tried to kill themselves, James didn't, cause James didn`t had a problem.

He kept doing it and everything was great.

Until his friends found out.

And that memory was burned in his mind, he could never forget their faces: Logan`s worried and sad eyes as he gave 911 the address, Carlos`s innocent eyes filling with tears, showing confusion as he kept on asking "Why, Jamie?" And then there was Kendall.

Kendall was the worst, he didn`t knew how to react, emotions flashed through his eyes- fear, confusion, sadness, wonder, anger.

Anger at James, at his parents, at the people who made James feel that he had to come to this; but most of all Kendall felt anger at himself. He knew James was far from okay, he knew James was sad, lonely, he knew James was on his way to losing himself, he tried to cheer him up, always reminding him how much worth he was, hanging more with him, but he could`ve done more. Kendall could`ve done more for James, but he didn`t and he hated himself for that.

James traced his old scars with the tip of the razor, barely doing any damage, was he going to put himself through this again?

What if Logan and Carlos found out? Will they forgive him for doing this again? Was he willing to put his friends through that pain again?

What if Kendall found out? Would he even care anymore?

But as soon as he remembered Kendall, the burning pain in his heart came back, he looked at the razor, it was simple; physical pain for emotional.

Series of thoughts were running through James`s mind.

What if Kendall never talked to him again? Did he ruin their friendship by admitting his love for him? What about Logan and Carlos? How will they react? Would they side with Kendall too?

His mind was a mess, his heart was broken, he probably just ruined his friendship with all of his friends, and the worst of all was: Kendall would never love him back.

There was only one thing to do, one thing that would end it all, it would make the pain go away; it would help him forget.

James just wanted to forget all of this ever happened

He lifted the razor to his wrist.


	3. AN

**Hey guys, and everyone who`s reading this!**

**I just want to say thank you so much to all of you that liked my story, I seriously thought it was kind of lame, it`s my first story so I was nervous no one would like it **

**I already have a lot of ideas for Kames, and I wanted to update as soon as possible but my little sister got pneumonia and she`s hospitalized, it`s very drastic, and my mom has to work, her boss didn`t gave her the permission to skip work for a few days, so I`m going to have to go and take care of Vanessa (my little sister) for a few days, so this means I won`t be updating soon, I`m sorry! But when I get back I`ll get you your dose of Kames! **

**I`ll update as soon as I`m back!**

**Thank you **

**-Joanna **


	4. Chapter 4

Kendall Knight was officially freaking out.

After 35 minutes of searching for James (not like he counted or anything) Kendall was sure he was on the edge of completely losing it.

He searched all around Palm Woods; the pool, the gym, the hall and other different places that James could be, he even checked on some private rooms, but after finding an unpleasant surprise that involved Katie and Bitters dressed in a long red dress, he decided to stop with the private rooms.

He even tried calling Logan to see if he could help him, but for some reason Logan decided that now was a good time to not answer his phone.

"Okay, Kendall think, where does James go whenever he`s mad or sad?" Kendall paced back and forth while thinking where James could be.

There were tons of places that Kendall thought James could be right now, probably sobbing his heart out all because of him, but one particular place stood out; the park.

That was the place James went when the bullying would go too far, he went there when his parents announced they were getting a divorce and the place James went after his friends found out he had been cutting.

So without a second thought Kendall ran off to the park as his head started to fill with unwanted thoughts and questions:

"_**Wait, what does this means for our friendship? Are we still going to be friends after this? I don`t want to stop being friends with James, we`ve been friends for years. I can`t let James go, sweet, funny, talented, beautiful James. What the… beautiful? Where did that come from? Do I like James as more than a friend? No that couldn`t be, right? I mean I think I`d known if I loved James. Whoa love? Where did THAT come from? I don`t love James like that…I think. Could it be? Could I really love James? Does this need to protect him through everything and always be there for him means I love him? Are the butterflies and that giddy feeling in my stomach whenever I see him because of love? I love James"**_

"Oh my god. I love James…" Kendall said out loud, suddenly he became aware that he was already at the park.

As he looked around he spotted a tall figure with chestnut hair sobbing uncontrollably under a tree.

His leader instincts kicking in when he realized it was no other than his best friend and possibly loved one sobbing and looking deep in thought as he stared at a small silver object on his palm.

Wait…small silver object?

Confusion was quickly replaced by fear on Kendall`s face and he sprinted once again as fast as he could to get to his broken friend before he could…do what he was about to do. Kendall didn`t want to say cutting, it just made the whole thing more real, more heartbreaking, more scary.

"JAMES!" Kendall tried calling his best friend`s name at the top of his lungs, hoping it would work; his ear piercing scream definitely made a couple heads turn to stare, but one head didn`t turned, and that`s the one Kendall wanted to.

So Kendall ran faster; faster than he thought he could ever be able to, thank god for those damn hard hockey practices his coach submitted him to.

"God, James, please don`t" Kendall whispered; still running, as he let one tear escape his eye.

James Diamond never in his life thought he would ever have to do this again.

He had vowed to his friends, and himself he was done with this; it wasn`t good, it wasn`t healthy, and most of all he realized it didn`t take the pain away, it just replaced it with other pain, and James wasn`t looking for that.

But the pain he was feeling now, he just wanted to distract himself from it, it didn`t matter with what, he just needed a distraction from this feelings, this pain so unbearable; he could barely hold himself together, honestly he didn`t know how long he could take thinking about this, he just wanted it to end.

The more he thought about it; the more it seemed like the perfect solution to all of his problems.

One cut was all he needed, one cut would end it all, would make the heartbreak go away, even though James knew that was a lie, this heartbreak could never go away, he`d have to live with it for the rest of his life.

He pressed the razor hard against his skin, and slowly traced it down.

It was a small and not too deep cut but it felt like the weight was off of James`s shoulders, and everything was going great and wonderful and-

Suddenly there was a heavy body tackling him and pulling him into the stranger`s arms, the warm body brought a strange feeling of relief; and that scent… he knew that scent.

And looking up his biggest fears came true.

There was Kendall Knight, the love of his life holding him in his strong and secure arms, holding James like a lifeline; because really, right now James was pretty much Kendall`s lifeline.

"Kendall?" The hazel eyed beauty whispered in a small voice and looked up with panic in his eyes; Kendall almost wanted to smile at how cute he looked. Almost.

"James…" It was all Kendall could say, what do you say when your best friend that loves you and you may have romantic feelings for, was just about to hurt himself.

James was a mess, he never meant for this to happen. He just wanted to make that cut, wait for the relief to come and go home; he never meant for Kendall to see just how weak and broken he really was.

"God, James, what you were about to do… please don`t ever think about doing that again Jamie! I don`t think I could stand seeing you hurt…" Kendall meant for his tone to be serious, angry, to make James promise; but instead it came out shaky and teary, and just like that the tears started falling.

James cringed, he hurt the man he loved, once again, for doing the same stupid thing, and the tone in Kendall`s voice… it hurt James too much knowing Kendall Knight, the boy that he had never seen cry, was right now crying because of him.

And just like that James Diamond let his walls come down again and broke in Kendall`s arms, sobbing and holding Kendall like no tomorrow.

Right now James couldn`t think properly, he didn`t care that he was sobbing too loud and people were starting to give him looks, didn`t care that he should probably just go away from Kendall, because he was probably disgusted by James and never wanted to see him again, he didn`t care if Kendall thought he was weak; all James knew was that he was hurt and heartbroken and he needed someone.

And James Diamond cried and sobbed without a care in the world in the arms of his loved one


	5. Chapter 5

After James felt like he had run out of tears he slowly unwrapped himself from Kendall`s arms, already missing his warm touch.

Hazel eyes met shyly with bright green ones.

No one knew what had to be said, or had to be done.

While Kendall was trying to figure out his real feeling for the brunette in front of him, James was already waiting for the disgust and rejection to come again from his blonde former loved one.

When suddenly Kendall remembered that James did made a cut in his arm, he had to clean it up so it won`t get infected.

"James, we have to clean you up…you cut can get infected and-"

"Kendall, forget about that right now" James cut him off.

"What? No, James it can get infected! We-"

"Kendall." James whispered in a broken voice.

Kendall looked up in those hazel eyes only to find pain in them, and heartbreak, all because of him.

"James…I`m sorry"

"For what, breaking my heart?" James gave him a sad smile.

"I…I don`t know. I don`t even know what I`m sorry for. Breaking your heart? Making you go back to cutting? For being the worst friend ever!? I`m just sorry! James, I…I`m so freaking sorry for everything"

He felt like the world was crushing him, the pain, the guilt, it was all too much for him, he slowly sank to his knees, pulling James down with him and started crying again.

Because right now, Kendall pretty much hated himself.

And James just couldn`t stand seeing Kendall so confused and…mad at himself.

"Kendall…" he whispered. "No…no, I`m sorry. I shouldn`t…I should have never told you, I should`ve kept this hidden. But I just, I told myself that…with time, this feelings for you, I thought they would go away…but I was wrong, and I couldn`t handle it anymore, I had to tell you. You had to know…" James whispered to last part, almost to himself.

"No, James. Don`t you dare blame all this on you. I…I`m glad you told me cause I…" Kendall stopped, realizing what he almost said. Could it be? Was he really…?

"What? Kendall, cause you what?"

"…I-I think I love you."

"You- you what?" James could barely manage to get the words out.

Kendall sat there in silence and James was about to ask him again.

"I`m in love with you, James" Kendall said without a trace of doubt or confusion on his voice.

So when James still looked heartbroken, Kendall frowned.

"Kendall…please don`t screw with my emotions... you don`t have to pretend that you love me, please, please don`t do that to me Kendall…" the broken boy whispered.

Kendall was shocked, James didn`t believed him. He still thought Kendall was repulsed by him and by telling him he "loved him" he was just trying to be a good friend and make it all better.

"James, please, I`m not-I`m not lying, I do love-"

"DON`T SAY IT! DON`T LIE TO ME ABOUT THIS KENDALL!" Tears were running freely down the brunette cheeks.

James ran away, again.

Feeling heartbroken again and most of all, betrayed.

**Sooo, I know, it`s been too long! And I know this sucked and it was short, but my inspiration kinda just came back to me…and this is what it brought!**

**I swear I`ll try to make the next one longer and not so…sucky…again sorry! **


End file.
